Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Lately I’ve been feeling a SERIOUS creative block. In fact, I’ve been feeling a major energy block for a while now. I took some time to finally pay attention to this blocked energy instead of willing it away by ignoring it. What a concept! Here is what surfaced.

Feeling: Uncomfortable

I am feeling, arguably, the most uncomfortable I have felt in a VERY long time. Part of #BlackLivesMatter is sharing stories and feelings so that’s what we’re going to to do today. Even though it’s uncomfortable to do so.

I realized that, while it’s easy for me to share stories, it’s difficult for me to share feelings. And that’s because the feelings/emotions that go along with the stories can be really gritty and painful. Past traumas that you never fully realized/processed can resurface and weigh incredibly heavy on your heart. But I think that’s part of the process – part of the movement. And that applies to everyone – we ALL have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Get comfortable sitting in the thick of it – all the emotions – and truly allow your mind/body/soul to process it so you can keep pushing forward. Otherwise, you end up stuck just like I was.

I am so used to dissociating during uncomfortable times and this manifests itself in various ways. One of the main ways it manifests is going back to things that make me happy (movies, shows, music, etc.) and putting them on repeat. Rewatching the first three seasons of Glee, for example. I think I developed this habit as a military kid. Every time we moved, I would bury my face in a FICTION book, listen to the same songs on repeat, etc. Fiction books were a #MajorKey as they allowed me to enter a completely made up world. I could leave my mind/body/soul/reality and enter someone else’s (fake) mind/body/soul/reality. I loved it.

…But Moving Forward

Today I decided to reframe this pattern of behavior and be more conscious of my tendencies. Today I decided to feel the pain and push through. A few days ago I finished reading “I’m Still Here – Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness” by Austin Channing Brown. I wrote a post about it so I’m not going to go into detail here but, for me, the book was kind of heavy in a good way. It brought to light a lot of trauma I had buried deep down and helped me put words to feelings. It made me want to “take a break” (will never stop referencing Hamilton) from reading these heavy hitting books that a lot of us are reading and read a fiction book instead. And there is NOTHING wrong with that, I just don’t want to continue the pattern of dissociating my way through life.

There are a lot of “emotionally heavy” books on my list so if taking a break to read a fiction book in between the heavy books is what I need to replenish myself then that’s fine. I just want to ensure I am being intentional with my choices and continue showing up. One step I’ve already taken is writing down notes as I read the heavy-hitting books. This ensures that I absorb what I read and write down what I’m feeling. I really like this because I can refer back to my notes at any time and even add to them as I develop new perspectives.

Feeling: Unsure

We are all living through some monumental history right now. And don’t get it twisted – we absolutely LOVE TO SEE IT! But with that comes a feeling of being unsure of what you thought you knew. Maybe you are coming to grips with new realities or you’re learning some TRUE history. Maybe you don’t quite know how to process everything. That’s ok. There are so many questions right now and let’s not forget; we’re still living with Covid-19. Ever increasing cases of Covid-19 might I add but that’s another topic. Some of our leaders are even unsure and don’t know what to say. That too, is a whole other topic.

…But Moving Forward

I’ve been doing A LOT of journaling lately. And I think in a world where we have weak leadership, it’s more important than ever to know what you believe in. Journaling can help you remain strong in your heart. That way, when you are feeling unsure, you at least have your own internal guiding light. Never forget – you ARE a leader. At the bare minimum, you lead yourself. I know myself and I know what I believe. I will not let someone else’s weak leadership affect me anymore.

Because that’s the thing – weak leadership WAS affecting me. It was adding to my already burdensome emotional load. We will not have it. (Black Panther, anyone?) As a black woman in America, I am carrying enough of an emotional load. I don’t need to add anyone else’s privileged, scaredy-cat energy to my life. Especially if you’re not willing to open up and have those heavy-hitting conversations and you would rather stay comfortable in your ivory tower…

Weary AF

I’m an introvert – an INTJ to be exact. I also lean towards being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). So, I just grow tired.

…But Moving Forward

I need to learn to take some time to rest, not escape permanently. I need to ensure I COME BACK TO IT. For me, that looks like guided meditations and, of course, watching Hamilton whenever I can because its a nice escape into my creative mind and it always leaves me feeling SO inspired.

Bottom line: Sit through it. Talk through it. Learn through it. Grow through it.

Rest, rinse, repeat.